Lichen Craig: HUMOR! Now why couldn't I write this??

Monday, February 25, 2013

HUMOR! Now why couldn't I write this??

Recently, a friend suggested I write humor for a blog he hosts. I told him I was terribly flattered, but I can't write humor; friends would tell you that in my real, outside-the-internet life, I'm actually pretty damn funny. Go figure . . . I write dark, emotional novels.

I have been studying humor writing - I'm convinced that people who can do this are just wired a certain way: their brains translate the eccentric, hilarious way they view the world, into the keyboard. With me, the eccentricity goes out my mouth, and never makes it onto a keyboard. But I say it here out loud - you're all witnesses - I will learn to write humor. Maybe this decade!

Meanwhile . . . I present for your consideration and amusement the funniest thing I have run across this week, by young model/stylist/blogger George Alvin, who lives in New York City and apparently is far too familiar with the joys of riding the subway. Thank you, George, for this side-splitter! If you ever need an alternate career, consider comedy writing, seriously. You'll make a fortune! Meanwhile consider yourself the holder of a standing invitation to write posts for this blog!

(George's blog - not suitable for work or the prudish! but always entertaining and often touchingly insightful - is at http://www.georgealvinnyc.com. )

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George Alvin's Tips for Riding the MTA

If you’ve ever visited New York and you haven’t used the mothah fucking MTA then, well, you’re NOT missing out on much. Besides . . . well . . . hobos that piss on the floor, rats with 3 feet, and black girls in cheetah print. Wait - don’t forget the pick-pocketers, AIDS, and did I mention the hobos that piss on the floor?

It’s disgusting, but living in NYC, unless you want to always get ripped off by Gandhi cab drivers, you learn to tolerate the subway. Personally, I’ve grown to love what tourists call ‘the underground’… It’s actually one of the places where I actually have time to think. It’s cool to go down there with your headphones blasting some Lana Del Rey and your notebook; you’d be surprised at all the cool ideas you get. Actually, I wrote 2 of my most commented-upon REAL TALK posts while riding from Brooklyn to mid-town in the subway. All the cool kids take the subway anyways… Katie Holmes even takes it.

It’s not that bad, but if you aren’t EXPERIENCED or PREPARED you can end up somewhere in Harlem with no wallet and phone… So I’m going to provide a couple tips that can make your first experience one that you don’t regret.

Step 1: Don’t ever make eye contact. You can get shot, stabbed, or beaten. Unless they’re famous, a model, or have a big bulge.

Step 2: Avoid all Nicki Minaj impersonators; don’t be blinded by their bright hair… they have a dark soul.

Step 3: Never leave your wallet, cellphone, money, or baby in any UNZIPPED pocket. They will get stolen.

Step 4: Make sure you never hold on to any railing, bar, door while riding the subway. Do use old people with canes, friends, and Asians. REMEMBER hobos pee on them.

Step 5: Don’t ever take photos of people's weird shoes… no matter oh hard you try to sneak it. You’ll forget flash is on and they’ll punch you in the face.

Step 6: Never take the subway after the club. No matter how sober you think you are, you will pass out and wake up with your shoes stolen (yes, this really happens).

Step 7: If you’re a girl with big boobs, expensive jewelry, and "fuck me" boots NEVER ride the subway after 11:30pm. You will be sold into sex trafficking.

Step 8: Make sure you’ve downloaded my lifesaver while taking the subway, the iPhone app: iTrans NYC. Use it for finding which train to take, transferring trains, train times, nearby subway stations, and info on service advisories, delays or cancellations.

I hope these helped you prepare for your next ride on the MTA. I promise it’s not bad and you WILL survive if you follow those pointers. Trust me either I know from experience or this has happened to someone I know. Try to always ride w/ a buddy!

x
George

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Gentlemen's Game is now available!

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DESCRIPTION:

When young playwright Greyson Foster agrees to attend a party at the penthouse of a millionaire, he has no idea how profoundly it will change his life. His journey will take him into spaces in his mind he never knew existed, bring him face-to-face with needs he never knew he had, and challenge him to travel to the precipice of lust, revenge, and love. From their first meeting, the powerful and charismatic Jack Miles weaves an enticing web around Greyson, drawing him into the dangerous game three millionaires play in secret. But Jack's personal life is complicated and his demons are many, and as they strengthen they threaten to destroy all that Jack holds dear - including Greyson.

Initial Reader Reviews for Gentlemen's Game ~

"Amazing! Amazing! AMAZING! Please keep writing, and never ever stop!"

"Thank you for sharing this wonderful story with us....I will truly miss these characters. I really do think about this story all the time - replaying parts over, thinking about the characters feelings and struggles. I will definitely be re-reading this again. Thank you!!!!"

"This story is deep, meaningful, addicting, flawless."

Newest Reviews for "Gentlemen's Game"

From writer Ross McCoubrey 5/5 stars: "Really enjoyed this very different novel that doesn't fall easily into one genre. Marking it as M/M romance isn't accurate as it is a story about a bond of friendship as well as love... which just happens to be about men together. The author uses a very engaging style with characters that are both likeable and flawed. Without giving away major plot-points, the mid-section of the novel will surprise and shock but it will also make you stop and think about similar relationships you have heard of within heterosexual couples. Love, like so many other emotions, doesn't know gender, nor does it always prove rational or safe. Lichen Craig has developed a story that makes you think, without judging, and that is the mark of a gifted writer."

From prize-winning writer Erasmo Guerra 5/5 stars:"I read this novel at the beginning of 2012. Now, as we come to the final days of the year, I have to say that of all the characters I met in the books I read later, my thoughts keep returning to these men and their "Gentlemen's Game."

From Amazon: "...It invokes strong feelings from us, it makes us think deeply and I believe that is the intention.
As a matter of fact, this story was probably closer to real life than a vast percentage of the books I have read in this genre and for that, I am thankful. Thank you Lichen, for dragging me out of my sugar coated reverie and giving me a good dose of brain starter."

From Amazon 5/5: "I bought this book a few days ago upon the recommendation of a friend and I am glad I did. This is a phenomenal read! The characters are well fleshed out and the plot is unique and thought-provoking. It draws you in from the very beginning and doesn't let go until long after the story is over."

From Amazon 4/5: "This book was a surprise for me. I found it very enjoyable. I felt the characters were likable, engaging. It handled the subject of rape in a sensitive, and real manner."

From Amazon 5/5: "The book weaves a tapestry of love, lust, highs and lows in the lives of four men, their relationships entangled in more ways than one. Through the openness of their relationships, it shows their bonds are strong, yet pushed to the breaking point. It leaves you wanting more."

AND. . . Read Nan Hawthorne's new review of Gentlemen's Game at the GLBT Bookshelf!