|© Copyright Jake Jaxson 2013. All rights reserved.|
I have been studying humor writing - I'm convinced that people who can do this are just wired a certain way: their brains translate the eccentric, hilarious way they view the world, into the keyboard. With me, the eccentricity goes out my mouth, and never makes it onto a keyboard. But I say it here out loud - you're all witnesses - I will learn to write humor. Maybe this decade!
Meanwhile . . . I present for your consideration and amusement the funniest thing I have run across this week, by young model/stylist/blogger George Alvin, who lives in New York City and apparently is far too familiar with the joys of riding the subway. Thank you, George, for this side-splitter! If you ever need an alternate career, consider comedy writing, seriously. You'll make a fortune! Meanwhile consider yourself the holder of a standing invitation to write posts for this blog!
(George's blog - not suitable for work or the prudish! but always entertaining and often touchingly insightful - is at http://www.georgealvinnyc.com. )
George Alvin's Tips for Riding the MTA
If you’ve ever visited New York and you haven’t used the mothah fucking MTA then, well, you’re NOT missing out on much. Besides . . . well . . . hobos that piss on the floor, rats with 3 feet, and black girls in cheetah print. Wait - don’t forget the pick-pocketers, AIDS, and did I mention the hobos that piss on the floor?
It’s disgusting, but living in NYC, unless you want to always get ripped off by Gandhi cab drivers, you learn to tolerate the subway. Personally, I’ve grown to love what tourists call ‘the underground’… It’s actually one of the places where I actually have time to think. It’s cool to go down there with your headphones blasting some Lana Del Rey and your notebook; you’d be surprised at all the cool ideas you get. Actually, I wrote 2 of my most commented-upon REAL TALK posts while riding from Brooklyn to mid-town in the subway. All the cool kids take the subway anyways… Katie Holmes even takes it.
It’s not that bad, but if you aren’t EXPERIENCED or PREPARED you can end up somewhere in Harlem with no wallet and phone… So I’m going to provide a couple tips that can make your first experience one that you don’t regret.
Step 1: Don’t ever make eye contact. You can get shot, stabbed, or beaten. Unless they’re famous, a model, or have a big bulge.
Step 2: Avoid all Nicki Minaj impersonators; don’t be blinded by their bright hair… they have a dark soul.
Step 3: Never leave your wallet, cellphone, money, or baby in any UNZIPPED pocket. They will get stolen.
Step 4: Make sure you never hold on to any railing, bar, door while riding the subway. Do use old people with canes, friends, and Asians. REMEMBER hobos pee on them.
Step 5: Don’t ever take photos of people's weird shoes… no matter oh hard you try to sneak it. You’ll forget flash is on and they’ll punch you in the face.
Step 6: Never take the subway after the club. No matter how sober you think you are, you will pass out and wake up with your shoes stolen (yes, this really happens).
Step 7: If you’re a girl with big boobs, expensive jewelry, and "fuck me" boots NEVER ride the subway after 11:30pm. You will be sold into sex trafficking.
Step 8: Make sure you’ve downloaded my lifesaver while taking the subway, the iPhone app: iTrans NYC. Use it for finding which train to take, transferring trains, train times, nearby subway stations, and info on service advisories, delays or cancellations.
I hope these helped you prepare for your next ride on the MTA. I promise it’s not bad and you WILL survive if you follow those pointers. Trust me either I know from experience or this has happened to someone I know. Try to always ride w/ a buddy!